My Second Puberty

Today I'm 21 weeks, waaaahooo! Baby is the size of a carrot (or 10.5 inches) and weighs nearly a pound. Its eyebrows and lids are forming as well as its ability to swallow and breathe. I've felt movement consistently now and it makes me so happy. Apparently, babies get hiccups around this time and I'm wondering what that feels like in the womb. My belly is still relatively small and can be hidden in most of my clothes. Another two months before we get to find out what we're having, but I don't mind. We went to a baby flea market today and all the baby stuff made me feel emotional. I came home and cried about an inability to buy baby socks. Really it's just that I want to make more money. The socks were irrelevant. As we were eating shitty tuna rolls and cheese, I started to cry crocodile tears about bloody baby socks! And my husband innocently says to me, "why do these socks matter so much? The baby won't even wear socks in the beginni...

Not much to report today. The baby was much more active though which makes me pretty happy. I need to just get a grip and believe everything will be perfectly fine. It started moving around from morning and I still feel little squirms even as I type. It's a fascinating experience that I'm so honored to get the chance to go through. Not that I pity those that don't, rather I just wish everyone could experience what it feels like to make another human. Perhaps we would have less hate in the world? Not sure if that resonates though. There must be loads of hateful moms out there. Tomorrow is 21 weeks ^_^ xo Jenea - Everything is always okay in the end; and if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Something weird is going on with my body. It feels like my tummy is getting smaller, not bigger, these past couple of days. Even the hardness of the bump seems to have gone soft. My appetite isn't nearly as ravenous as it was even a few weeks ago. And my headaches have disappeared, although I'm almost positive it's because I'm drinking insane amounts of water every day (4 liters or more). My breasts have started developing bulging veins and still seem to be growing. And I still feel the baby's kicks or movements throughout the day, though some days he or she is more active than others. I've also noticed if I curl myself up in a ball or lean forward while I sit I can feel more movements from the baby. I wonder if it's because the baby doesn't like that or because I've moved everything closer together to feel movement. I'm curious, though, whether some of the spasms I feel are actually gas and not the baby moving around. Everything I feel...

YES! I'm halfway there! Today we're at 20 weeks strong. The baby is 10 inches from head to toe, and doing backflips in my uterus. I loooove it! He or she is the love of my life already they're not even here. It's a shame that men can't experience the joy of cooking a baby. What else is happening with baby? Well if it's a girl, her uterus is formed. He or she is producing bile now that we'll see in their first dirty diaper. They are also sucking their thumb and swallowing more and more. I've read that after this week I should expect to put on about 1 pound a week (I'm aiming for one pound every two weeks since I was overweight when I got pregnant). Not the most awesome news, but I'm just happy my baby still seems healthy. xo Jenea - Everything is always okay in the end; and if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Baby has decided to kick me in the bladder all day and I'm loving every bit of it. Since this morning this kid has been actively moving around and I can't tell you how happy it makes me. I'm a little paranoid about everything so it's nice to feel the baby moving around. I've been getting kicked, punched, or headbutted in the groin and bladder all day. It makes me wonder why some days the baby is more active than others. I haven't been able to pin down exactly what it is. There is a correlation between its activity and how hard I worked out that day, but only a small one. It could also be sugar or my lack of sleep. xo Jenea -Everything is always okay in the end, and if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

I've been being less frequent with these blog posts as of late. Not sure why, but perhaps it's to do with not having much to say. Feels like all the sensations I've had, I've already talked about, but so what. I guess I can revisit them. As of now, my belly is really starting to show. It's not super preggo, and if you just glanced you might think I'm just fat. But there's something there. My heartbeat is a weird thing that's been bothering me lately. Sometimes I can't think of focus because it's beating so fast it feels like I might die. I notice that if I eat something that is very salty or processed, it goes nuts. This past week my vagina has felt like there's a weight pressing down on it. It's not terribly painful, but just weird. The best way to describe it is when you're riding a bike and sitting on a seat that's way too narrow. And the bike is far too tall for your height. Your groin ends up a bit achy, and that'...

Tonight I went to a kids birthday party. A friend of mine threw a gorgeous party in honor of her daughter who turned one. Gorgeous decorations that were created with hours upon hours of labor-intensive love. It made me anxious if I'm honest. All this work for a one-year-old who will never remember it. Suffice to say the pictures will be a memorable treat. But it was quite nice to sit around and watch children from the ages of 4-8 run around enjoying themselves. They hired a party person to sing and dance with the kids and get them going. My husband and I remarked on how it takes a very confident and fun kind of person to do that sort of thing with children. It was also nice to sit with my hubby and watch him watch the other children. He has a kind heart that shows a deep love for connecting with children and getting them to have fun. It made my soul happy to see it. I remember the first time I saw him in his element with young children. It was on our fi...

This morning, after coffee and a nice chat with the hubby, I was off to the gym (which is unfortunately just above my flat) to do some cardio. I decided to push myself a little harder than I normally do during this session. I dunno, I felt great this morning and wanted to get some warrior energy to get through the day. When I came back, I lie flat on the couch to do a bit of meditation before I started work. The most awesome sensation happened! The baby felt like it was going absolutely mental! I felt all kinds of flutters and spasms. Nothing like a true baby kick, but it wasn't gas or anything else. It was definitely the baby. Oh man, what an awesome feeling. I couldn't really concentrate on my meditating because I felt the flutters and started to laugh. It's a weird response, but I dunno, it made me giggle. Super happy that things are starting to feel reeeeaaaal. xo Jenea - Everything is always okay in the end; and if it's not okay, then it's ...

Today I'm a week shy of being halfway there! I'm also a week shy of being outta the danger, DANGER, zone. I think I may have felt the baby kick the last couple of days but I have no idea what sensation I'm looking for. It's a shame I didn't come on here and blog the exact day it happened, but I've been feeling like rather recluse. At 19 weeks, the baby is as big as an heirloom tomato (six inches) and it's starting to really get all its senses. I've started singing directly to the baby, although fear of it hating my voice bubbles up every now and then. I think I read somewhere that Celine Dion sang to her baby, and when it came out, it didn't like when she sang. LOL! That'd be just my luck. I finally got out to meet another mom who is about as pregnant as I am, but I don't think we'll become best mates any time soon. As with most other people I've met in Dubai, it's very difficult to remain friends with someone unle...

I am not having a good day today. I am really fucking lonely. Like to the bone. Alone. I sit home all day working on my business, and at night my hubby comes back, we chat, I make dinner, and we watch a little Netflix. It's a sad existence. I don't talk to anyone else all day and it sucks. I bawled my eyes out today over it. And not only because I don't have anyone to talk to, but because the people I have to talk to aren't really there. When I reach out to talk to them, they come back with a lukewarm response, or worse, nothing at all. Is it wrong for me to feel like my family should give a shit about my pregnancy? I'm partly tempted to tell them all to go to hell but I know folks are dealing with their own problems. So fuck it. I'll suffer in silence. I feel stupid for even feeling bad since there are so many people who are truly suffering in Dubai, but I can't help my emotions. I'm a wreck and I want some friends who aren't fla...

I think about death almost every day. I don't know when exactly it started, but I've always been terrified of dying. I'm almost positive it was some sort of fear that was passed down from my mom. She, too, is shaken by the idea of death. I remember her making irrational statements about the things I did and attributing the possibility of death as the reason for her concern. I suppose that ideology grew on me in some way. My fear of death hasn't stopped me from doing anything, rather, it's just something that I daydream about. I often hear myself saying things like "What if this car hits me and I die? What if this plane falls outta the sky?" It's really frustrating because nothing can really cure me of this fear. They say the best thing to do when you're afraid of something is to face it head on, and erm, I'm afraid I can't really do that. Unfortunately, this fear has now extended to my baby. I worry - even at 18 months - that I ...

I'm starting to feel pregnant. Today I noticed for the first time my protruding belly is starting to feel rather tight and a bit painful. I've read that in the next week or so I'll have some serious growing pains which I'm fine with. I'm ready to start shopping either for myself or for the baby. It just feels like I'm stuck in some sort of purgatory ready to get to the next level. I often find that I'm going through the day giving thanks to the little things like being able to wake up when I want and worry about just myself. I've really nothing to say today though. xo Jenea - Everything is always okay in the end; and if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Today I'm 18! The baby is the size of a bell pepper moving about in the uterus, although I still don't feel anything. I feel gas bubbles and get really excited only to fart a few moments later, HA! The baby's ears are settling into their final resting place and if it's a girl (fingers crossed!) her fallopian tubes are in place. I listened to a podcast from Radiolab called The Primordial Journey that talks about how a baby is formed (and not the boring stuff I'm telling you, but the stuff no one talks about; the bits before the baby is a baby). It was interesting because the podcast points out how we become male or female and what that process looks like. Basically, once the gonad cells are given instructions to become female, they go nuts and start replicating. By the time the baby girl is five months (in the womb), she has tens of millions of eggs. So technically, your grandchildren are in your womb before your child is even born! Crazytown! Anyway, l...

I feel like an afterthought. I have one sibling and she is barely two years older than me. Unfortunately, we've never been very close. I can't really pinpoint why exactly, but yeah. Anyway, she had her son in February. He was the first grandchild of the family on my side anyway. All throughout her pregnancy, we got to hear updates on the size of her baby, what it was doing, how she was feeling, and so on. Everyone was keen to know. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel like I get crickets. Even worse, when I do express any discomfort or pregnancy-related issues, it's like I get shut down immediately with statements like "this too shall pass." It's hurtful. I want to be able to experience my pregnancy the same way. I want people to care (or at least pretend to care) about what is going on with me. The problem with being the second-born is that for the most part, everything you do is always a repeat of what the first-born has done. The novelty has worn...

Tonight we went to see the movie Venom. It had pretty bad reviews, but for someone who's not a hardcore movie (or Marvel) fan, I appreciated it for what it was. We got our usual bucket of mixed popcorn with a bit of caramel and a bit of salt. The theater was packed. It's a proper IMAX theater with balcony and VIP seats. There are probably 300 seats in all, and every one of them had a body. In Dubai, it's totally fine to bring in all kinds of food to the movie. The lads in front of us were eating massive burgers that smelled divine. The guy next to my husband was slurping some noodly delight. And the baby across the aisle was eating sugar, sugar, sugar. The ENTIRE time. He was probably about 1 and a half years old, maybe two. Sitting on his mom's lap and gobbling up caramel popcorn, candy, and a massive slurpee. I kept glancing to my right and seeing a twizzler in his mouth. Then a big sip of the slurpee. Then a hand full of popcorn. Rinse and repeat. My own ...

How do parents square the circle of passion versus stability? And I don't really mean passion, I mean doing a job that has meaning. When I think about my entrepreneurial pursuits, sometimes I get caught daydreaming (or having daymares) that I won't be able to provide for my family. Then I start wondering if I should just go get a job. At least I'll have a steady paycheck every month. My husband and I have made a plan that, as of now, does not seem like it's going to work out. We're banking on a hope and a prayer that my business takes off and we can move to America for a fresh start. Of course, there's a plan in place to get to a place where I can provide for us, but it's only based on research, not actual experience. Unfortunately, things just aren't going fast enough. I can't see where all of this leads me and it's terrifying. Especially with a baby on the way. Today I feel overwhelmed and sad. Sad that I'm not in a better position....